TEARSTAINED "Final Thoughts" {Suicide Trilogy-Conclusion} 2003 CD#3  (Barbarian Wrath 666-022)
Released July 4th, 2003

Emotionally Massacred (7:47)
Cold And Distant (7:47)
Trust No One (5:05)  (Click Link for MP3)
Grim Bitterness (7:19)
Failed Suicide Attempt (6:05)
The Shallow Pool Of Life (7:27)
Hopeless Emptiness (4:53)
Final Thoughts (8:27)  (Click Link for MP3)

Recorded entirely in Mortuary Temple Studio between August and October 2002.
Produced & Engineered by Mikael.
Mixed & Mastered with Doug White on October 28,2002 at Watchmen Studio in Lockport, NY.


I have been massacred
Used and thrown away
Woman of ice, cold hearted bitch
Emotionless sibyl destroyed me

A gaping hole in my chest
Internal torture and loss
Rejection kills me
Used and massacred emotions

Such a waste of emotion
I am cursed and afflicted
Never open the heart to Iesa
Woman of ice destroyed me

I welcomed her in
Like an infection she spread
Then laid waste to me
I have been massacred

Lies....Lies....All lies
A facade that melts away
My tears turn to blood
She enjoys my pain
Lies….Lies….All lies
She enjoys my pain


Despondent and unmotivated
Depressive aggression, retaliation
A fevered agony of pain
I have again been MASSACRED!!!!!!
I have been emotionally massacred!

“COLD AND DISTANT”    5/31/02

Emotionless - total coldness
Solitary - heartless query
Lost and drifting - a winter soul
Unmotivated - no dreams or goals
Numb and painless - Passion aimless
Feeling faded - thoughts are jaded
Death enticing - romanticizing
Life is pain - exist in vain

Thoughtless - Emotionless
Cold and Distant
Reclusive - introverted
No care, no hope, no life left in me

Antisocial - isolated
Cold and Distant
Tormented - intoxicated
No care, no hope, no life left in me

Reactionless - bitter coldness
No reaction - death’s attraction
No response - no needs or wants
Why live on when emotion’s gone

Just existing.......
So fucking lonely.....

I couldn’t take anymore
I couldn’t take anymore living
in this world
Happy being so cold and distant

I just do not care anymore....   x4

“TRUST NO ONE”    8/21/02

Life’s glow has grown so pale
The air I breathe is old and stale
Humans are such lecherous waste
An uphill battle I have faced

Thieving scum and political facades
Special interests cater to their gods
We are a virus that continues to spread
Honor and dignity are so fucking dead

Lies are the way of man
Catch deception if you can
Protect yourself with a shield of hate
Search for a means to sedate
Escaping what in fact is real
Worn down I now no longer feel
When apathy is common place
I want to leave the human race

Life is torture with no reward
The ways of man (are) so abhorred
We do not deserve to exist
Suicide so hard to resist


It’s so sad how degenerate we are
Barely civilized yet come so far
We waste and use and throw away
And it continues every day

Almighty dollar makes the world go round
Whether you scream or make no sound
We all are so insignificant
Why do I want to live in a world like this?

Trust No One!!!!!!!   x5

Who wants to bring a child into a world like this?

“GRIM BITTERNESS”     11/22/01 (Thanksgiving)  revised 8/20/02

So beyond tears and sorrow
Cold and numb and filled with pain
Life is a dismal gray cloud
Dry eyes stare blank insane
Lost all touch with normalcy
A hatred swells aflame within
Pain is essential to this mindset
Rebel eternal never give in

(chorus 1)
Grim Bitterness - So far beyond depression
Grim Bitterness - Withdrawn and numbed

So far gone, unreachable
Do not cross my path
Dismal pessimist
Painblinded atheist
Life serves no purpose
Except to inflict pain
No sacredness in human life
Finished playing the game

(chorus 2)
Grim Bitterness - So far beyond depression
Grim Bitterness - emotional recession
Grim Bitterness - withdrawn and numb
Grim Bitterness - exquisite and alone

(end chorus)
Grim Bitterness - I no longer care
Grim Bitterness - No love harbours here



The choice was made
Plans were laid
To exit life
To end this strife
Ingest the pills
Depression kills
You fade away
So still you lay

(pre-chorus 1)
Fading into darkness
Into an endless sleep
But wake to find yourself alive
You have failed at suicide

If at first you don’t succeed
Try, try again (try, try again)
Failed suicide attempt

Lying there
In a hospital bed
Wonder why
You’re not dead
They ask questions
But you don’t care
When next you dare....

(pre-chorus 2)
....To fade into the darkness
Into an endless sleep
Do not want to be alive
You have failed at suicide


Failed Suicide Attempt  x4

“THE SHALLOW POOL OF LIFE”         9/6/00  revised 8/20/02

The tears flow endless
The pain is relentless
It feels like an eternity
So distant from serenity
Such a bleak future
An eternal gray sky
Drowning in sorrow
Waving goodbye

My landscape flows with rivers of bitter melancholy  x2

A destitute fury
My emotions I bury
A pale cold heartlessness
Drowning in emptiness

I see no future
A split open sky
Bitterness enables me
To no longer cry

I am drowning in the shallow pool of life  x4


My landscape flows with rivers of bitter melancholy  x2
I am drowning in the shallow pool of life  x2


Cold and desolate
I don’t want to feel
I cannot cope with what is real
It’s so below me

Cold and careless
I build my own wall
It’s all around me

Fight to get in if you can
Find a door if you can....
Fight to get in if you can

Emotions are my curse
I want to be emotionless
Numb and sinking
No spiritual linking

There is something wrong with me
I close my eyes yet I still see
I create my own misery
And I wonder what can set me free

This cycle repeats itself
I must be masochist
Degenerating spirit
With each tempting kiss

It’s a hopeless emptiness....


“FINAL THOUGHTS”    6/02 & 12/19/01  revised 8/20/02

So sad and depressed and confused
So long so relentlessly abused
My heart is overflowing with pain
My eyes are shedding tears like rain

Empty and saddened by life
Heartbeat brings misery and strife
It seems like there is no point for me
To continue to exist in this reality

I cannot argue with destiny
When I too understand your misery
Unable to cope and unable to breathe
Falling apart and there is no reprieve

Release me or drug me
Because with time comes deterioration

Contemplating my last will and testament
For I feel my time is coming soon
When there will be no will to live on
Will I be remembered when I am gone?

Atop a building up high in the sky
Make like a bird and feel myself fly
The last thing I see is the sky falling away
These are my final thoughts

Death seduce me with your darkness embrace
The light fades away in my own dark abyss
The answers to questions, a feeling of peace
These are my final thoughts

In each of us resides thoughts of suicide
When life is just tired you can exit this life
Fear not death for it is a transition
The right to die by your own choice

Life is really not so significant  x3


The two hidden coversongs on this album are, first, a Bathory cover of the song "Raise The Dead" and then followed by a cover of Mercyful Fate's "Black Masses".


This album concludes the “Suicide Trilogy”.
The debut CD “Monumental In Its Sorrow” shall soon be reissued on BW
and the 2nd CD “There Is No Hope” is still available in limited quantity.
Logo painting by Kris Verwimp, based on a vision by Mikael.
Layout by ChorazaiM & Mikael.
Tray photo by Evil Eye.
Cover photo by Mikael.
All instruments & vocals are performed by Mikael exclusively.

email: vaalkoth@yahoo.com

Recognition and Praise towards:

Hartmouth & Barbarian Wrath, Chorazaim & MEGIDDO, Doug White & Watchmen Studio, Ron “Evil Eye” Pappert (my one true friend), Red Stream, Black Death Distro, Makahru Distro, Andrew Sample & Century Media, Folter Records (for existing), Mitusaki, Mary “The Empress” Comardo, Rene & Fantastic Records, John & ORODRUIN, Jay & RAMPAGE, Gregg & Justin (Night Conquers Day R.I.P.), Tim Miller, Balor & MORRIGAN, THRONEUM, Gelal & GRAND BELIAL’S KEY, Timo and Davthvs Mag, MassaBrutto Radio, Sonic Insanity Radio Show, Game Craze, Dave and SOD Mag, everyone at the Gates Motel, Paxil, the wonderful Val, Thor,  my brother J, my parents, my feline children (Marduk, Malhavoc, Countess, Persephone & Andromeda), Sammy, NutMeig & Bandit, all who bought the first 2 albums from me, all mags and radio that featured Tearstained, and to the lasting legacies of the once mighty Bathory, Mercyful Fate and Celtic Frost.

Pure hatred towards Park Ridge Mental Health & Chemical Dependency, all Crackwhores and to all racist niggers! FUCK OFF AND DIE SLOWLY!!!!!!! (And that includes those still on my previous hate lists)

I await the day Barb Derleth drops dead so I can go piss on her grave.